Fade A Little

Everyday,
I fade a little.

I try to be strong,
I try to be happy,
but everyday, you remind me,
what I could not be.

I am not brainy,
I am not important.
I am not “like the other girls”,
Everyday,  when you remind me,
I am not worthy of some glee,
I realize I fade a little.

But, everyday you forget,
what I am and what I will be.
I am passionate,
I am exceptional,
and darling, I am
every girl and yet,
like no one else.
And every day, when you forget,
I fade a little.

But, dearest, every time,
you dissolved me in your ignorance,
I found my colour.
Every time, I dwindled,
because of your words,
I found my fading fervour,
growing, strong and intense.

And soon,
I realized, I need
neither your observation,
neither your validation,
because, dear,
I am the fire.
I am the fire that burns.

– Nivedita
(For Daily Prompt)

 

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Never Sated

How often do you feel happy and all about your life satiated? How often do you sit peacefully and just take it all in and know I’m empty of any desire? Speaking for myself, I’m never in that state of mind. There is always something which is going on inside me that I want to change or improve about myself or of my surroundings. Being sated with what I have, isn’t a virtue I possess. But then again, isn’t being sated a bit overrated?

When I was little, I was bored of my little world of toys and dresses. I wanted to go outside into the world and be fabulous. I wanted to be like my older cousins who are so independent and confident. I decided that getting older was my ultimate goal and that when I grow up into a fabulous woman, when I become independent (whatever that means) my inner cravings would be sated.

Then, I came into high school. And things became complicated. I found out that if I had to become independent and fabulous, I had to have a job, which means I have to go to college and get a degree. So, my desires changed. Now, I just have to get a degree, how hard could it be? (Hahahaha.) Now, I wanted to just grow old, get a degree, find a job and be fabulous, and I will be satisfied.

When I finished high school, I was happy that I know what kind of major I’ll be and what kind of degree I will get. I knew my plan to get a degree and find a job is going very well, and that I’ll soon be everything I ever wanted to be. I felt like my desires were finally going to be quenched.
Except, life is not so easy. Nobody told me that the price to be independent and fabulous is my precious hours of sleep doing assignments and studying for exams. That, I had to manage the amount of money I spend of clothes and food very carefully – I mean, all these years, I had my parents to do it, why should it be any different now? So, the question is: Would my desires be ever sated? (They better be, because I’m putting in a lot of effort for this degree)

But, here’s what I love about me. I am not a quitter. I don’t lose hope (or, learn my lesson) that easily. My desire to be independent and fabulous maybe a bit unrealistic (any struggling adult will share the sentiment), but it definitely is not impossible. It might be a long way ahead, but it is there.

So, after my desire is satiated, does my wishes and aspirations stop? Not at all. Honestly, for me, new desires begin to crop up, even before my other desires are sated. So, being in a position where my mind is quenched is not a luxury I will enjoy anytime soon. But then, what is the point in being a sated human being? How do you hope for a beautiful life when you are sated? How do you try to improve yourself if you are sated?

As Ashley Judd says,

“I can’t think of anything I want and need that I don’t already have but at the same time, I’m not sated.”

In response to The Daily Prompt

Pleasures, Imaginations and Anticipation

I am a dreamer. I dream about my life all the time; sometimes they are big dreams (I won’t reveal it here) and sometimes they are small (getting my own apartment), some are very important (settling into a very beautiful and stable life before getting married), while some are very silly (ordering food without looking at the price). Maybe, some day, I will talk about my very important dreams. But today, I want to talk about my silly dreams.

I found a word for it – vorfreude. It means joyful, intense anticipation that comes from imagining future pleasures. There are some key words, if you notice – anticipation, imagining and pleasures. Let’s look at them one by one.

  • Pleasures – My dreams are made up of all the good things that should happen to me. Life gives you enough woes to worry about, but dreams are my happy place. When things are not going too well for me, I lie down, close my eyes and imagine the small and silly dreams I have for my future. I instantly feel happy and positive. This might sound over-fetched or impossible, but it works for me, every time.
  • Imagining – I believe that imaginations are a beautiful phenomenon. I feel bad for those who do not have a crazy imagination. The truth is, dreams are imaginations made to become a reality. I have these crazy imaginations of the life I want to lead, and my dreams are fashioned out these imaginations. I think the silliest yet the most colourful dreams are created out of our imaginations.
  • Anticipation – People often confuse anticipation with anxiety. They think anticipation is a negative thing. The truth is, anticipation is the reason we are alive. I have a strong belief that people are alive because they look forward to various events and moments in life, and they want to live them. Anticipation is, in fact, the most beautiful thing. It makes you wanna live, it makes you want to grow. Dreams are anticipation on a much larger scale. So, anticipate and anticipate.

I’ve written much on my dreams, and how dreams make who I am. I am a hopeless dreamer, and if you ate not convinced enough, here is solid evidence: my blog is called “Weird and Wonderful – Story of a Dreamer”.  

You can check these blog posts here.

In response to Anticipation.